Therapist Nicholas Purcell outlines three types of failing marriages in The Guardian
Nicholas Purcell argues that while some neglected relationships are repairable, others involving abuse require separation to protect the victim.
Therapist Nicholas Purcell has published an opinion piece in The Guardian’s Modern Mind column, arguing that not all struggling marriages are worth saving. Purcell contends that care and attention, the fundamentals required to keep relationships alive, are frequently absent from marriages that survive through neglect alone. He categorises these relationships as "cactus marriages," describing them as alive but thriving only when couples remember how to be loving.
Purcell distinguishes these neglected relationships from "soured" marriages, where contempt has broken down the repair cycles that healthy couples rely on. He notes that while these marriages are characterised by mechanical failure and unresolved conflict, they often remain repairable if both partners are committed. However, he cautions that the window for repair does not stay open indefinitely.
The most difficult category, according to Purcell, is the "severed root" marriage, which often involves narcissistic or abusive partners. In these relationships, the continuation of the marriage requires one person’s diminishment, meaning one partner does not fully have a self. Purcell argues that in such cases, the relationship itself is the problem rather than a symptom within it, making couples therapy the wrong tool entirely.
He highlights that the period around leaving an abusive partner is often the most dangerous time for victims. Purcell advises that those in these situations need a safety plan, a domestic violence service, or a counsellor who knows the whole truth, rather than relying on the version of events that is easiest to say out loud.
The article references specific Australian support lines for those seeking help, including Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and MensLine on 1300 789 978. The Domestic Violence hotline is also listed as 1800 RESPECT.
Purcell’s piece suggests that while some marriages are repairable, others must be ended to prevent the erosion of a life that is hard to capture on film. He concludes that for those inside a marriage where only one person is being hurt, calling it "our relationship issues" can launder the harm and keep a person in danger for years.
