Therapist highlights intergenerational trauma as clients struggle to escape dysfunctional patterns

Mental health expert Nicholas Purcell has published an opinion piece in The Guardian, exploring how individuals often inherit and re-enact parental dysfunction, such as narcissism and avoidance, into their own adult lives. Published on 22 June 2026, the article utilises anonymised case studies of therapy clients named Oliver and Kate to illustrate the difficulty of recognising and escaping these patterns. Purcell argues that while some individuals seek therapy to learn healthy relationship dynamics, others remain trapped in emotional isolation, unable to distinguish their dysfunctional environment from normal life.

The piece draws on the David Foster Wallace parable about fish and water to illustrate how individuals often fail to recognise their own dysfunctional environments because they are immersed in them from birth. Purcell notes that covert dysfunction is absorbed as normal, and physical abuse leaves marks while emotional neglect does not. He suggests that it can remain unrecognised until someone else, such as a spouse or therapist, points it out, or until a significant loss forces a reconsideration of what was previously assumed to be normal.

Oliver’s case study details a childhood where his father slept on a pullout sofa for 15 years and used Post-it notes for communication, exhibiting clear avoidance. His mother displayed narcissistic traits and warped opinions on social class, telling Oliver he could not date someone who worked in a shop because “people like us don’t associate with people in service.” Oliver imitated his mother’s accent and classist views, despite rejecting her, and became highly avoidant in relationships himself.

The turning point for Oliver came when his long-term partner left him, stating, “You’re exactly like her.” This triggered a spiral into depression and eventually led Oliver to enter therapy. Initially enraged and defensive, Oliver struggled to see that he had absorbed the very traits he despised. Purcell describes Oliver’s gradual process of recognising these inherited behaviours, noting that while the work is ongoing, Oliver is now learning to catch himself and interrupt these patterns.

In contrast, Kate’s story highlights the challenges faced by those who intellectualise their trauma but struggle with vulnerability. Kate experienced significant childhood neglect, making her own school lunches by age six and taking her younger sister to school by age seven. She remained in an emotionally isolated marriage for 25 years, having learned early to never ask for help. Despite understanding the connection between her lonely childhood and her marriage, Kate found the prospect of leaving and being vulnerable too uncomfortable, ultimately remaining in her situation.

Purcell concludes that not every adult escapes their difficult childhood. While Oliver is working to surface, Kate remains submerged, illustrating that seeing the “water” is not always enough to prompt change. The article ends by listing mental health support resources for Australia, including Beyond Blue, Lifeline, and MensLine, as well as services in the UK and US, acknowledging the broader issue of those who never seek help.