Estrangement exists on a continuum, not as a binary state, psychologists say
Clinical psychologist Gaynor Parkin and personality psychologist Dave Winsborough argue that family estrangement is more common than perceived, with outcomes depending heavily on the underlying causes such as abuse or value differences.
A recent opinion piece published in The Guardian by clinical psychologist Gaynor Parkin and personality psychologist Dave Winsborough challenges the conventional understanding of family estrangement, arguing that it is far more prevalent than commonly perceived. The authors contend that estrangement should not be viewed as a binary state of being either in contact or completely cut off, but rather as a continuum of reducing contact that varies significantly between individuals.
The article outlines a spectrum of estrangement, ranging from persistent awkwardness and strained silences to complete cessation of contact. The authors cite researcher Kristina Scharp’s framework, which distinguishes between “sudden death” pathways, characterised by a final straw event, and “fading away” pathways, which involve a gradual withdrawal. In both scenarios, the authors note that the immediate trigger is rarely the sole cause but rather the moment that crystallises an existing pattern of irresolvable conflict.
To illustrate these dynamics, the piece presents three anonymised case studies. Dillip ceased contact with his brother following a dispute over money during a family reunion, though he remains open to potential repair. Marina is contemplating a permanent break from her father due to a transactional relationship, while Todd has made the decision to cut off all contact with his daughter to protect his mental health from her drug addiction and theft.
Research cited in the article indicates that the impact of estrangement on wellbeing is mixed and heavily dependent on the reason for the separation. Cutting off abusive relatives tends to improve mental health, whereas estrangements driven by major value differences often yield equivocal outcomes. The authors also note that estrangement can fundamentally alter an individual’s self-perception, with some individuals reframing their identity after ending a long-standing familial role.
The authors emphasise the psychological challenge of “ambiguous loss,” a term describing the grief experienced when a relative is alive but absent from one’s life. This form of loss lacks formal rituals or social recognition, such as condolence cards, which can exacerbate distress. Support groups are highlighted as a critical resource for reducing shame and validating the loss, helping individuals navigate the uncertainty of whether reconciliation is possible or if the rupture is permanent.