Author Ben O'Mara details grief and guilt after reorganising late wife's books
Australian writer Ben O'Mara describes how a panic attack triggered by shifting his wife’s novels led to a broader reflection on post-bereavement guilt, the therapeutic nature of reading with his son, and the enduring connection provided by physical books.
Australian author Ben O'Mara has published an opinion piece in The Guardian, published on 23 May 2026, in which he details the intense psychological response he experienced while reorganising his late wife’s book collection. O'Mara writes that the act of removing her favourite novels from the shelf initially triggered a severe panic attack, characterised by muscle locking, nausea, and a sensation of drowning, rather than simple sadness.
In the article, O'Mara describes feeling as though he was committing a "heinous crime" by moving his wife’s books to the far end of the house. This physical displacement, intended to make space for his own reading material, provoked a sense of betrayal and a feeling of being on trial for the "terrible, selfish act" of altering the domestic order following her death.
The author notes that he has since moved the collection to a safe place at the end of the corridor, near his four-year-old son’s bedroom. He states this arrangement allows the books to remain accessible for his son to discover his mother’s literary interests when he is older, serving as a bridge between the past and present.
O'Mara contextualises his experience within the recognised phenomenon of post-bereavement guilt, citing that everyday actions taken to improve life after a spouse’s death can trigger profound remorse. He references general studies indicating that grief often involves feelings of failure and intense longing, and suggests that discussing these emotions and practising self-forgiveness can help the intensity of guilt fade over time.
The narrative also explores the symbolic weight of physical media, with O'Mara referencing Jeff VanderMeer’s novel Absolution, part of the Southern Reach series. He draws parallels between the degrading physicality of books described in the novel and the fading nature of memory, noting that despite their deterioration, printed words continue to offer powerful connections to those who have died.
O'Mara contrasts the weight of his grief with the therapeutic joy of reading with his son, who enjoys stories about dinosaurs, monster trucks, and characters from Meg and Mog. He observes that while the reorganisation of the book collection is not yet complete, the shared act of reading has helped him feel less overwhelmed by guilt and more connected to the world of words he and his wife once shared.